I went to the Giant Grocery store today. List in hand, I was whizzing around the supermarket, making great time, grabbing this, grabbing that, improving when necessary (Oh yes, I do need more popcorn, I had totally forgotten), when it hit me.
I done got my ass trained.
There is this old saying, well I assume it is old how can you ever know for sure right? Its not like I have Bartlett's Big Book of Quotes at my house, and a cursory search using the Google-brand search engine yielded conflicting results (but lets not kid ourselves, its from Calvin & Hobbes, and let me just express my frustration at seeing this site get whacked by the Private Copyright Enforcement Legal Team, otherwise I would have embedded the strip. Oh sure, I could go through my Calvin and Hobbes books and scan it myself, but ummm, no). So anyway, Calvin once said, "If you do something bad enough the first time, they wont ask you to do it again."
I am pretty bad at a lot of things. I do not have to try. Used to be, one of those things was grocery shopping. In my single days, I went to the grocery store like a real adult, but generally came home with frozen meals, frozen pizzas, beer, bread, and chips. I was always confused how my freezer was always jammed, while the fridge was always empty. I just assumed that it was an optical illusion due to the size difference. Then I would put the beer in the fridge, and the fridge would be fuller, and all would seem ok with the world.
But now, I have that girlfriend. And she has been gone for the past two and half months. Which meant that I had to fend for myself. Her, being the proactive cutie pie that she is, starting making me a grocery list, and then demanding that I go shopping with a specified time period in order to take advantage of all the SALES!! (THIS BREAD NEVER GOES ON SALE AND IT IS BUY ONE GET ONE FREE!! GET TWELVE LOAVES!!!) So I did, getting my fresh fruit, and fresh veggies, and fresh meat, and random organic shit, and yogurt (mmm, yogurt, with FIBER!).
All the while, unwittingly falling into the perfectly laid trap set by my devious woman.
The girlfriend, being in law school, occasionally has late nights and other various studying and other law school type bullshit, that prevents her from getting to the grocery store. So for example, one weekend she was preparing for a trial. So yeah, lots of important stuff she has to do (this would NOT fall into the aforementioned law school type bullshit category. This is real shit. Regardless of the flavor of the shit, I am always happy to help out. Or, try to help out). And, because she was out of food, she had to send me to the grocery store. So she made me a list, wiped some schmutz off my face, patted me on the ass, and sent me on my way. And I did my best, but the grocery store was just so overwhelming! All this food. Must be 80 quadrillion different food items. And there were only Ten on the list! The odds of finding what I needed are astronomical! I wandered around the store aimless for an hour, occasionally finding a product specified on the list, occasionally confused (Simply asia is on the list, but does she want the noodles, or the microwave full meal, and what flavor? So confused), before I called her up to get help finding what she wanted. And I am sure I still came back with four things that were not correct (Seriously, every time she sends me out to get her something, be it from Giant or CVS or whatever, I never get it right, I always screw something up).
I give her credit though, she never lost faith in me. She kept sending me out, and I kept screwing it up. Even if I did it wrong, she did not stop believing in me.
Then she realized the solution. All she had to do was leave.
I am no longer incompetent at the grocery store. I get actual fresh foods. (Ok, still intimidated by the Meat department, but really, that place is only good for fish. And giant cuts of meat. I don't need that. Plus I am poor. I don't need fancy stuff. I get the Big Buys). Today, I bought a big ass cluster of celery, and not just the hearts, the whole big thing that is cheaper than the hearts. I cut it up and stuck it in tupperware. But here is where it gets bad. I put water in the tupperware, because that will help the celery last longer. And I know it will be good for just about a week. And I learned this shit, through buying celery and fucking up (fucking up is always the best way to learn). GAHHHH!!!! I should not know this! I should not be adept at navigating the grocery store.
She tricked me. By making me self-sufficient, she really just made her life a lot easier. Damn it all to hell.
Oh well, at least when she comes back, she is gonna cook me some real meals. My creativity does not extend to the kitchen (or the blog for that matter HA! beat you too it!).
Anyway sweetie; I'm on to you and your attempts at "training"
I never even heard of this dude:
No comments:
Post a Comment